so i have an eating disorder. i think ive had one since i was sixteen. i vividly remember when i consciously made the decision to lose weight. i was eating a cinnamon roll, the kind you get from a local coffee shop. theyre about 600 calories i think? i was halfway through, scrolling tumblr at the kitchen table, my mom chattering about school, grades, whatever. i dont know. b ut what i do remember was that an image of a person came across my feed, their bones showing defiantly through glowing porcelain skin, wrists thin and fingers wrapped easily overlapping around dainty birdlike bones. my chewing slowed and i clicked on the blog, and began to scroll. and in that moment, my mind made a connection. i could chose to be that. to be the image of self control, restriction, and to take up less space. it wasnt just the pictures that sent me on this path, but the pictures glued all of the sinuews of my mind into an unholy masterpiece of control and self destruction all at one. like a sticky bomb of thoughts and feelings, i exploded.
i threw the rest of the cinnamon roll away when my mother wasnt looking.
she asked me how i finished it so fast when she noticed my empty plate in the sink, and then laughed and said somethinhg about how i always was a fast eater. a comment usually followed by calling me a pig, though this time it was not. she did tell me to slow down next time. in retrospect, of course, such words guided me down an already rocky path in regards to my body image. there were always comments on the shape of my body, its awkward rolls and strange appearance. i was a growing child after all, and kids are shaped strange. theyre in a metamorphysis stage, though not lucky enough to always be in a safe cocoon. and i was not. i was in a spiders web of a home, trapped and struggling, my parents always ready to make a meal of me at any moment. theres no way they didnt know what their words were doing to me, but its far too late to speculate on that now.
my average disordered day looks like this: i wake up (hopefully at a normal time but no promises) on some days, i take an edible at about one, others, sober til 6. it used to be 5, but in order to maximise its efficacy i bumped the time. i take 5 robotabs. in this dosage, i can focus on my tasks til ten. they function like some semblance of a nootropic, and though im not recommending this i can buy 12 bottles for about 110 bucks. in the words of a friend, "big pharma would never". my wallet tends to agree. then, at ten i take two kratom caplets, and gives me energy to do things like wash dishes and clean and cook. at midnight, i start to drink. i drink until i sleep, typically careful to only drink enough to keep me buzzed and give that boozey adhd creative energy that allows me to half assed do some task til i pass out. typically i sleep between 3 and 5. wash, rinse, repeat. when do i eat, you ask. basically, if i let myself (as if i really have control on this) i eat between midnight and sleep. so otherwise i spend my days in a disorderly fast. i drink monsters, only sugar free, tea, water, anything 0 sugars 25 cals or less. i can justify no high calorie beverage; save for one. 160 calorie 30 gram protein shakes. wow, love of my life? except, i cant trust them.... sometimes they act like that amnesia sanity potein; my mental clarity boosts and regain my energy. other times (more common the longer i go) it goes right through me and im toilet bound for an hour. i like to keep my calorie cap at less than 1000, ideally typically about 500. its best to break fast if you dont want to relapse binge, plus it keeps your regular. not that i have an issue; ibs and eds do mix.
(8/21)ive been putting a lot of effort into losing weight. i always think i am anyways. but of course im still fat so you know how that goes. i went to a dinner with my partners family and their mother kept gawking at me, looking me up and down and telling me im "too skinny". which is frustrating, because mind you my partner used to weigh less than i do, by an easy ten pounds, and theyre about 5 inches taller than me. am i really "skinny"? haha, nice joke. maybe youll be able to say that for real some day if i buckle down though. i had this crazy dream last night i could wrap my thumb and pointer finger around my upper arm and touch them together, and i was SO happy. of course i woke up devastated. that wasnt even an original goal of mine, but for the last six months or so its given me something to hope for. i walked a little over 10k steps today, because even though im sickj as a dog i couldnt stay inside another day. i feel like im probably gaining weight because ive been eating a lot more than usual lately. i definitely deserved to get sick after that. we got groceries the other day and i got chia seeds! theyre kind of high in calorie, but i do think theyve been working to keep my apetite down!!! and if thats true, i will gladly accept the trade off. ive been purging a lot again lately, which of course is a terrible habit. i dont want to, but i do have to. if im going to cram a bunch of useless stuff into my body i need to be ready to evacuate it just the same. im going to do my best to not do it tonight, because ive done it like four days in a row now.
(8/17) why is the date format different for this section? dunno lol. anyways, im still fat and sad. i dont have anything else to say i guess. im scared to weigh myself, i know either way ill be disappointed. im tired of being tired, but id rather be tired than look like this forever. i think secretly i hope something gives and kills me though, because i dont know how long i can keep going like this. im so fucking ugly. i can tell people are consistently disturbed by my appearance. sometimes i wish i could carve chunks of fat off myself. i can hear their thoughts when they ook at me. disgusting, ugly, fat. weird, covered in scars and scabs and piercings. i cant stop picking at my skin, i have to i cant stop. i pick holes in my skin and then people think im some disgusting fat drug addicted loser, and my piercings dont help because people assume that goes hand in hand with the aforementioned. i do many of these things to myself because on others i find them to be beautiful. tattoos, piercings, scars, haircut, dyed hair, glasses, cool clothes. but on me, its the opposite affect. i find that because i am such a disgusting person inside, adding this shiny beautiful things only manages to amplify what a disgusting being i am. my true colours shine through. and as such, thoguh id never find any of these things to be ugly on another person, on me they are. i ruin everything. i taint all experiences. when will i learn that i am wholly unworthy. i wish i could be good. i am trying to eat less, and i walk to and from work every day. so hopefuly soon i will not be so disgusting. even if im ugly, at least i will take up less space with my ugliness, which means maybe i will seem less ugly. maybe i can hide it. im not sure what i weigh now but ive probably got a good 20 or 30 pounds to lose before i could veen be considered tangentially thin. so i guess i will keep trying. i wish i had something else not dumb to say, but until next time uhhhh /)
10/21 so i think whats wrong is i basically stopped taking a med i was taking literally every day for like forever. the zaps are killer, i literally cant think or talk. my whole body is fucked. whodve thunk. not that anyone gives a shit. i think i should jsut lay low for a while, its clear ive become a burden.
10/21 ctd (sort of) (edgy content ahead this is from a few days ago) i slept for 25 hours yesterday, and all she had to say was that she was upset i didnt say hi to her after work. i wpke u0, went to work, gpt back in bed, amd its almost 3 now. another 13 hours in bed. at least when i dream its nonsense, excited adventuring, pants shitting chases and goofy shit. wjen i wake up i find that the only messages i recieved are regarding how i can best benefit people. asking me for things pr to do things fpr them. if they didnt want spmething id wake up to nothing. i dont kn9w which hurts more. i feel empty constantly. what few motions i can force myself through mean nothing. i try to have gpod days. i do what they say. nothing, nothing good comes. i hate my body, i hate my mind, i hate my existence. surely if i let go all would be resolved. i get giddy just thinking of it. some day i will have the courage to let go. i hope soon. i think the sooner i do it the sooner they can be happy too. it hurts just a bit when i consider that last part but it makes me happy to know i cpuld free them from what a leech i am. maybe then id be doing something good. the other benefit to sleeping is i dont eat. lord knows i wish i could close my mouth. all i do is stuff my disgusting face. i even eat in my dreams. how fucking disgusting do i have to be tp dream of food? pathetic. im going to try to go back to sleep. i hope i eat less tomorrow. but i know i dont have that self cpntrol. im just a useless pig, the sooner i head to slaughter the better for everyone right? right? at least pigs make people happy.
10/17/2025 my mountain dew is flat and room temp. delicious. what else must i report? i have a job now, joy of joys. i can pay bills, which is good because unbeknownst to basically everybody i an in the hole about 3k. granted, thats credit card debt which can be shirked for a long time before it really matters. money is fake anyways. everything is fake. i dont want to say i feel like im fake but at this point its a nonzero chance my falsehoods have become less of my structure and more of my entire existence. i feel apathetic all of the time, my body aches but even that is just background noise. i have this constant feeling that no matter what i say im not being heard. i dont think anyones listening, nor do they care. this isnt to say that im feeling like drastic measures or anything (a funny way of saying it but i dont want to get admitted) but i just..... feel hopeless. i know that if i were to disappear (well call it that) people would be sad. my family, friends, partner. but i dont think they would be sad about me. i dont bring anything valueable to the table, and i dont think id be taking anything with me. theyd more be sad at .... i guess the space i leave? i carry many burdens, and of course no energy is created or destroyed. those byurdens become someone elses problem if i leave. but does it matter? all things even out in the end. i just wish i felt some way about any of this. i dont even think im alive at this point. ive been working on my "crust pants" (i use quatations because i feel that i probably dont deserve to call them that, but i suppose its what they are) a lot lately, its about the only thing i can think to do. even that feels pathetic. i think that word defines me too well. pathetic. maybe. i bow down often, willing to give in any which way. i stand for nothing. i dont know, this all sounds like the drivel of a hormonal teenager whos been wronged by his parents, upset about not being allowed to go to a party because his math homeworks late. even my feelings are trivial, when i try to examine them they crumble. i dont think anything i say or do has any real substance. i wish i mattered.
also, something of note. its funny that i said the tides were shifting in my last blog post. i couldnt bring myself to come back after what happened, at least until now. jfs died. a guy i never knew has somehow managed to devastate me. i thought id use it as an excuse to clean up my habits, but funny enough i think i may just have gottne worse. ive somehow started to use dph again, although its more for sleep at least. still not good, i feel stupid over it. ill skip it tonight and hopefully i cankick it early. regardless, i deserve whatever consqequnces come my way due to this lapse in judgement.
8/21 - i dont really have much to say, but something is coming. the tides are shifting. i need to make some sort of change in my life, and soon. im forcing myself to do a bit of writing so i get more into a routine, not because i feel like ive got something important to say.
8/10 - do you ever feel like nobody takes you seriously? i feel like no matter who im talking to im a bit of a joke. i wish i had to more to say about this but its exactly just that. i feel like a joke when i talk. lately ive also felt stuck. sometimes i just want to drop everything and run. im too tied down. i dont have any choices any more, just things i must do in order to maintain the status quo. if i could could go back and change everything i think i would. maybe id be somewhere else right now. another thing ive been thinking about a lot lately is my aromanticism. ive known for a long time, maybe since 14 or 15 for sure, that i had no romantic interest in others. ive always had sexual feelings, but dating, marriage, families, long term relationships..... those were never important to me. ive been with the same partner since high school, a daunting near ten years. that is to make the point; aromantic doesnt mean you cant be in a long term relationship. i dont touch on this subject often because many misconstrue it as me being uncaring or cruel, or outright using her. this is not true. she is my best friend. but i dont love her, nor anybody else. love is foreign to me. but what is love? is it being able to say you love someone? or is it reshaping your whole life for them? i do not think it is either of these things. in fact, i do not know what it is. but i do know i do not feel it. even saying the phrase "i love you" feels foreign and odd. another language. and yet, i have forced it out of my mouth many times. unnatural. but i do it to please others. she is aware of this, but has likely long since forgotten of the specifics of this aspect of my life. and i dont bring it up, because what is there to say? "oh, i know weve been together just short of ten years, but remember i dont actually love you." but i do care! i do! i wish i could make more of it. i wish i could be better. i wish i could be what she wants. i feel that my lack of romantic emotions goes hand in hand with my general overall lack of emotions. day to day, i dont feel much. i am deeply apathetic in every situation. decisions are easy because no answer matters more to me than just being done and over with it. this is another hurdle in our relationship, as she is highly reactive and emotional. and thats fine. thats why it works to an extent. we are two sides of a coin, fluid in motion. she is the cogs, and i am the grease. i make it work. i will always make anything work. becuase it has to. it must go on.
8/1 - im abitious today. i am writing this because my adhd ass needs a break from packing the few orders ive got to take to the post office. im going toi try and make bread, and process my apples. maybe ill pick more today, why not. im going to walk to the post office in a bit, a delta/cbd edible will power this excursion. i just found a few patches i definitely didnt steal from the dollar tree (hey, dont steal anything you cant affor, yknow) and i want to sew them to my coat. which i still need to photograph.
7/31 - i went to the mall today, they had crayon shin chan merchandise. i dont watch the show but that little nervous dog is so cute. anyways, then i spent all afternoon gathering buttons and cleaning code. i wish i had more friends with websites, i think it would be cool to link them all together. i did end up cutting my hair yesterday, but its not like it matters. its so hot lately my hairs up all the time since i cant stand the feeling on my neck.
7/30 - i think im going to give myself a haircut. ive been wanting something between the mullet himecut i had a while ago again, and even if i hate it hairs hair. worst comes worst i didnt look bad with a buzz cut. i slept until 5 today, my partner is worried of course. but its so much easier to sleep and dream than it is to be awake. even if dreams are scary, they dont really have consequences. so theyre like a free realm to do whatever you want. i wouldnt say im a lucid dreamer, but i typically am aware i am dreaming and tend to have fun in these weird side stories. unfortunately today i dreamt that i was editing my website, and upon waking was dismayed to realize id have to go back and rewrite all that code. still, i did it. i took my five robotabs as usual and got cracking, and now i have the neko cursor working! i will have to mirror everything onto nekoweb later. ive been wanting to do some painting lately, but i dont know what yet. will need to pick a subject. anyways, i think thats all ive got for now. back to javascript.
im going to use this section as a reminder area for myself, sort of like planning and such.
i need to:
- take well lit photos of my patch coat to upload to my main page
- settle on a gallery method
- food blog?
- ramiel oc page
- ....probably due for an overhaul sometime.....