so i have an eating disorder. i think ive had one since i was sixteen. i vividly remember when i consciously made the decision to lose weight. i was eating a cinnamon roll, the kind you get from a local coffee shop. theyre about 600 calories i think? i was halfway through, scrolling tumblr at the kitchen table, my mom chattering about school, grades, whatever. i dont know. b ut what i do remember was that an image of a person came across my feed, their bones showing defiantly through glowing porcelain skin, wrists thin and fingers wrapped easily overlapping around dainty birdlike bones. my chewing slowed and i clicked on the blog, and began to scroll. and in that moment, my mind made a connection. i could chose to be that. to be the image of self control, restriction, and to take up less space. it wasnt just the pictures that sent me on this path, but the pictures glued all of the sinuews of my mind into an unholy masterpiece of control and self destruction all at one. like a sticky bomb of thoughts and feelings, i exploded.
i threw the rest of the cinnamon roll away when my mother wasnt looking.
she asked me how i finished it so fast when she noticed my empty plate in the sink, and then laughed and said somethinhg about how i always was a fast eater. a comment usually followed by calling me a pig, though this time it was not. she did tell me to slow down next time. in retrospect, of course, such words guided me down an already rocky path in regards to my body image. there were always comments on the shape of my body, its awkward rolls and strange appearance. i was a growing child after all, and kids are shaped strange. theyre in a metamorphysis stage, though not lucky enough to always be in a safe cocoon. and i was not. i was in a spiders web of a home, trapped and struggling, my parents always ready to make a meal of me at any moment. theres no way they didnt know what their words were doing to me, but its far too late to speculate on that now.
my average disordered day looks like this: i wake up (hopefully at a normal time but no promises) on some days, i take an edible at about one, others, sober til 6. it used to be 5, but in order to maximise its efficacy i bumped the time. i take 5 robotabs. in this dosage, i can focus on my tasks til ten. they function like some semblance of a nootropic, and though im not recommending this i can buy 12 bottles for about 110 bucks. in the words of a friend, "big pharma would never". my wallet tends to agree. then, at ten i take two kratom caplets, and gives me energy to do things like wash dishes and clean and cook. at midnight, i start to drink. i drink until i sleep, typically careful to only drink enough to keep me buzzed and give that boozey adhd creative energy that allows me to half assed do some task til i pass out. typically i sleep between 3 and 5. wash, rinse, repeat. when do i eat, you ask. basically, if i let myself (as if i really have control on this) i eat between midnight and sleep. so otherwise i spend my days in a disorderly fast. i drink monsters, only sugar free, tea, water, anything 0 sugars 25 cals or less. i can justify no high calorie beverage; save for one. 160 calorie 30 gram protein shakes. wow, love of my life? except, i cant trust them.... sometimes they act like that amnesia sanity potein; my mental clarity boosts and regain my energy. other times (more common the longer i go) it goes right through me and im toilet bound for an hour. i like to keep my calorie cap at less than 1000, ideally typically about 500. its best to break fast if you dont want to relapse binge, plus it keeps your regular. not that i have an issue; ibs and eds do mix.
(8/21)ive been putting a lot of effort into losing weight. i always think i am anyways. but of course im still fat so you know how that goes. i went to a dinner with my partners family and their mother kept gawking at me, looking me up and down and telling me im "too skinny". which is frustrating, because mind you my partner used to weigh less than i do, by an easy ten pounds, and theyre about 5 inches taller than me. am i really "skinny"? haha, nice joke. maybe youll be able to say that for real some day if i buckle down though. i had this crazy dream last night i could wrap my thumb and pointer finger around my upper arm and touch them together, and i was SO happy. of course i woke up devastated. that wasnt even an original goal of mine, but for the last six months or so its given me something to hope for. i walked a little over 10k steps today, because even though im sickj as a dog i couldnt stay inside another day. i feel like im probably gaining weight because ive been eating a lot more than usual lately. i definitely deserved to get sick after that. we got groceries the other day and i got chia seeds! theyre kind of high in calorie, but i do think theyve been working to keep my apetite down!!! and if thats true, i will gladly accept the trade off. ive been purging a lot again lately, which of course is a terrible habit. i dont want to, but i do have to. if im going to cram a bunch of useless stuff into my body i need to be ready to evacuate it just the same. im going to do my best to not do it tonight, because ive done it like four days in a row now.
8/21 - i dont really have much to say, but something is coming. the tides are shifting. i need to make some sort of change in my life, and soon. im forcing myself to do a bit of writing so i get more into a routine, not because i feel like ive got something important to say.
8/10 - do you ever feel like nobody takes you seriously? i feel like no matter who im talking to im a bit of a joke. i wish i had to more to say about this but its exactly just that. i feel like a joke when i talk. lately ive also felt stuck. sometimes i just want to drop everything and run. im too tied down. i dont have any choices any more, just things i must do in order to maintain the status quo. if i could could go back and change everything i think i would. maybe id be somewhere else right now. another thing ive been thinking about a lot lately is my aromanticism. ive known for a long time, maybe since 14 or 15 for sure, that i had no romantic interest in others. ive always had sexual feelings, but dating, marriage, families, long term relationships..... those were never important to me. ive been with the same partner since high school, a daunting near ten years. that is to make the point; aromantic doesnt mean you cant be in a long term relationship. i dont touch on this subject often because many misconstrue it as me being uncaring or cruel, or outright using her. this is not true. she is my best friend. but i dont love her, nor anybody else. love is foreign to me. but what is love? is it being able to say you love someone? or is it reshaping your whole life for them? i do not think it is either of these things. in fact, i do not know what it is. but i do know i do not feel it. even saying the phrase "i love you" feels foreign and odd. another language. and yet, i have forced it out of my mouth many times. unnatural. but i do it to please others. she is aware of this, but has likely long since forgotten of the specifics of this aspect of my life. and i dont bring it up, because what is there to say? "oh, i know weve been together just short of ten years, but remember i dont actually love you." but i do care! i do! i wish i could make more of it. i wish i could be better. i wish i could be what she wants. i feel that my lack of romantic emotions goes hand in hand with my general overall lack of emotions. day to day, i dont feel much. i am deeply apathetic in every situation. decisions are easy because no answer matters more to me than just being done and over with it. this is another hurdle in our relationship, as she is highly reactive and emotional. and thats fine. thats why it works to an extent. we are two sides of a coin, fluid in motion. she is the cogs, and i am the grease. i make it work. i will always make anything work. becuase it has to. it must go on.
8/1 - im abitious today. i am writing this because my adhd ass needs a break from packing the few orders ive got to take to the post office. im going toi try and make bread, and process my apples. maybe ill pick more today, why not. im going to walk to the post office in a bit, a delta/cbd edible will power this excursion. i just found a few patches i definitely didnt steal from the dollar tree (hey, dont steal anything you cant affor, yknow) and i want to sew them to my coat. which i still need to photograph.
7/31 - i went to the mall today, they had crayon shin chan merchandise. i dont watch the show but that little nervous dog is so cute. anyways, then i spent all afternoon gathering buttons and cleaning code. i wish i had more friends with websites, i think it would be cool to link them all together. i did end up cutting my hair yesterday, but its not like it matters. its so hot lately my hairs up all the time since i cant stand the feeling on my neck.
7/30 - i think im going to give myself a haircut. ive been wanting something between the mullet himecut i had a while ago again, and even if i hate it hairs hair. worst comes worst i didnt look bad with a buzz cut. i slept until 5 today, my partner is worried of course. but its so much easier to sleep and dream than it is to be awake. even if dreams are scary, they dont really have consequences. so theyre like a free realm to do whatever you want. i wouldnt say im a lucid dreamer, but i typically am aware i am dreaming and tend to have fun in these weird side stories. unfortunately today i dreamt that i was editing my website, and upon waking was dismayed to realize id have to go back and rewrite all that code. still, i did it. i took my five robotabs as usual and got cracking, and now i have the neko cursor working! i will have to mirror everything onto nekoweb later. ive been wanting to do some painting lately, but i dont know what yet. will need to pick a subject. anyways, i think thats all ive got for now. back to javascript.
im going to use this section as a reminder area for myself, sort of like planning and such.
i need to:
- take well lit photos of my patch coat to upload to my main page
- settle on a gallery method
- food blog?
- ramiel oc page
discord server page